By Vanessa Gladden
Supporting a friend through divorce can feel tricky, but your support can make a world of difference. Here are four thoughtful ways you can show up for your friend during this challenging time and what to avoid.
- Ask: “Is this an ‘I’m so sorry’ moment or a ‘Congratulations’ moment?”
Divorce comes with mixed emotions. For some, it’s an empowered choice, while for others, it’s a devastating surprise. Regardless of the circumstances, divorce always comes at the end of a long period of turmoil. When the marriage is finally over there is an element of being free from something that wasn’t working and there is grief.
Before offering condolences or congratulations check in with your friend about where they are at. If the situation is with an acquaintance, say you run into her at the grocery store, a simple, neutral statement like, “I’m sure you’re facing a lot right now. I’ll be thinking of you,” works well.
If you are supporting a closer friend check in every time you talk to her about where she is on the scale between freedom and grief. Emotions fluctuate a lot during this transition time. Taking your cues from her can help her feel supported through all of the ups and downs.
- Replace an anxious “How are the kids?” with a relaxed “How can I support your family right now?”
Even with the best intentions, asking, “How are the kids?” can feel like a judgment—implying the kids must surely be taking it hard. Trust me, divorced moms have spent many nights worrying about their kids’ well-being, examining their new circumstances from every possible angle and most likely there were sleepless nights wondering “should we stay together for the kids?”
Instead of sympathy for the kids offer the whole family some practical support:
- “I can carpool on these days for these activities and don’t worry if the days are divided evenly” This helps the kids lives stay consistent while their parents regroup about how to handle daily activities.
- “What do I need to know about your parenting setup to make playdates and birthday invitations easy?” Take out any awkwardness and reassure that their child will still be included.
- “Feel free to text me if you need a last-minute school pick-up. I’m here for you.” Stand in as an emergency person for when things come up.
- Offer to be part of a “support roster” for your friend as an individual
Divorce can feel isolating. During my own separation, I leaned on friends daily for different reasons—parenting questions, emotional support, help with decisions about legal matters and even small daily things like what to cook for dinner or to report a fender bender from the day…I no longer had “my person” to talk to.
Offer to be part of your friend’s support system, in an area that feels natural to you. Let her know she’s not a burden, and that you’re happy to be there.
- Validate the need for extra support
Divorce and separation is a time when your friend might need extra support—whether that’s a coach, therapist, a massage therapist, a guru or whatever! Having paid support eases the feeling of being overly burdensome on friends, even if they are happy to help, it can be a welcome relief to spread the support over a variety of sources.
Organizing a group gift with friends (like a massage, meditation class or a workshop) can be a wonderful gesture. I’ll never forget when I threw myself a “Celebrating a Woman Who Chooses Herself” party and my friends pooled money together for a meditation pillow, and every time I use it, I feel their love and support.
About Vanessa
Hi, I’m Vanessa, a Life Coach and a mom of three who’s been through the ups and downs of divorce. I know firsthand how overwhelming it can be—navigating the fears of parenting, finances, and an uncertain future. But I also know how liberating it is to rebuild a life that truly serves you.
If you’re in the thick of divorce, you’re not alone. Download my Free Guide, Moving Forward: Navigating 5 Key Life Transitions After Separation, or book a free discovery call to explore how I can support you in creating a life you love.
Free Guide https://www.vanessagladden.com/free-guide
Free Discovery Call https://calendly.com/vanessagladden/30min
